Last Sunday, my ten-year-old son was sitting on our stairs. I was kneeling in front of him, tying his shoes. It was a picturesque father-and-son moment. However, even if you don’t have kids, you should have a vague sense that most ten-year-olds can tie their own shoes. In fact, MOST kids learn by age 6.
“When are you going to learn to tie your shoes?” I asked casually, not really wanting to spoil the moment. We’ve had this conversation before, and I didn’t want it to become a big deal.
“You know, Dad, it’s hard. Sandals and Velcro are sooo much easier,” he replied matter-of-factly. It’s true – we’ve often bought him the shoes he wanted, which are almost always much easier to tie than laces.
As I finished the last bow, he smiled and, with a quick “Thanks!” jumped up and ran outside to play on our swing.
My Shoe-Tying Problem
As I watched him go outside, I had an epiphany. My son didn’t have a problem – he WAS getting his shoes tied. So this was a near-perfect solution for him.
I DID have a problem — I was tying his shoes. I realized that the solution was simplicity itself. I needed to:
Stop. Tying. His shoes. For him.
I can’t stress this enough. He wasn’t the problem. I was the problem.
Later that same day, when it was time to put his shoes on again, I sat with him while he labored to tie them himself. Yes, there was some complaining and wondering aloud why I couldn’t help him. I interpreted these as rhetorical questions. No, his shoes weren’t tied very well. But he managed … more or less.
The next day, he just did it himself without asking me for help.
Only three days later, I’m proud to say that my son doesn’t need any help tying shoes! It’s like magic.
We Tie Other People’s Shoes All the Time
But it got me thinking, how often are we tying other people’s shoes at work?
- If a Product Owner doesn’t understand the underlying strategy, do you just tell them what to add to their backlog?
- Do you handle senior-level conversations because your team isn’t ready?
- Are you an “expert” who needs to check all the details?
- When someone on your team isn’t great with presentations, do you pick up the slack?
In the moment, it’s often easier to just tie their shoes than to teach them. But in all these cases, you’re holding your team back by not addressing the underlying opportunity. Worse, your team will likely get even more dependent on you solving their problems instead of getting better at it themselves.
Good Leaders Help Others Tie Their Own Shoes
What your team needs is coaching to help them GROW:
✅ Goals – Align with them on what they need to improve
✅ Reality – Assess the current situation
✅ Options – Create a range of solutions (not including continuing to tie their shoes for them!)
✅ Will – Finalize a plan and commitment to improving
My Call to Action: If you want someone to get better at something, STOP tying their shoes for them.